If you by chance are feeling poorly about your walk with God, this account ought to help you realize there is a bigger baddy out there: that would be me. I thank God for His patience.

Recently, I concluded that a certain grief that I was suffering at the hands of another was more than I could bear: that I simply would not tolerate it any longer. I was lying in bed that night, losing sleep I could ill afford to miss, trying to decide whether I would follow plan A (which I felt was superior of the two, but with faults) or plan B (which may not have the same anticipated positive consequences, but would be easier).

I tormented myself with these two plans for a very long time. Plan A? Plan B? Plan A? Plan B? I admit, I was quite an angry woman. I was resting my decision making skills (which had been sorely tried) by thinking of the anticipated blissful consequences of either plan for myself, when a still, small voice said, “Be Holy, as I am Holy”.

Oh dear. Fancy the God of the Universe listening in while I was plotting (really, there is nothing else to call it) what in my mind I had nicely labelled “an end to the intolerable behaviour of a certain dreadful individual”, which in reality could be more honestly described as, “one small girl’s ultimate vengeance on said dreadful person”.

Well, I told God plainly (since we were now being honest) that I did not have the capacity to be that Holy. I didn’t have it in me. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to, in this circumstance! God went on to remind me that while wasting time and energy debating the contrasting merits of Plan A and B, I have not so much as inquired what HIS plan may be. Oooohh. I suspect it was that in my heart of hearts, I knew that it would be one I wouldn’t like!

So, I did ask (not even kidding myself by this stage that God would chose either of mine). True. He didn’t. He actually wanted me to suffer. I tell you, words are inadequate to express my indignation! That’s right. Be Holy, and continue to suffer.

That part of the gospel experience is so not the “good news” part.

After telling God how unfair it is that said dreadful person should get away with it indefinitely (and it really is!) and telling Him how I am obviously not as good as He thinks, because I just can’t meekly take it on the chin, and I don’t even want to, and I will go insane if this situation continues, and since God hasn’t seen fit to intervene on my behalf, and, and, and…………..

The good news part kicked in.

I am a rotter. My righteousness is as filthy rags. (here’s the good part) But He is committed to changing me into His likeness, and particularly when I am weak, He is strong. There is NO WAY I could change my attitude, no way I could make myself be a better person, even when I finally submitted my will to His. When I admitted and recognized and confessed my complete weakness and inability to rise out of my sinful way, He then lifted me. God is good and merciful!

I praise Him!

He reminded me that,

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.”

Perhaps I won’t go insane after all. Perhaps that would be because I won’t stay up late nights trying which of my two feeble plans will best suit MY ends!

Isn’t God good?